It's the Holiday Season Once Again...

Oh blog how I have missed you! As of lately, writing on my blog just can't happen anymore since I no longer have my own computer.
So it's my fifth month here in Costa Rica, and it's almost Thanksgiving in the US. Although I enjoy this holiday more than any other holiday, I am here, not there, and I need to find a different way to celebrate my thanks. These past 5 months have taught me more than all the years of my schooling put together, and I think there needs to be something said about that. Instead of thinking about all of the things that I miss or all of the things that I don't like, I am just going to be thankful for all that I have, for all that I enjoy.
So here is what 5 months living in Costa Rica has brought me:
-Although I am not yet fluent, I can really understand Spanish so much more now. I am thankful for that. Learning another language is a gift.
-Although I miss my cat Lucky, I have two new beautiful kittens, Stella Bella and Sole. I saved at least two of the many thousands of animals on the streets here in Costa Rica. At least now there are two more animals with a home, a warm and dry place to sleep, good food to eat, and love to be given to them. A small contribution to a large problem.
-I miss my circle of family and friends, but now I am slowly creating a new one. Though small, it has the potential to become much greater.
-I have seen so many beautiful animals and luscious forest, I am thankful to be a witness of the beauty of nature. Maybe someday it will all be gone, but for now, I enjoy every bit of it with gratitude.
-I am seriously grateful for mango to be back in season. I thought I wasn't going to make it through the tough time of no mangoes.
- I am also seriously grateful for the invention of Tabasco Sauce. It just makes everything better.
- I am thankful for the opportunity to live in another country, to experience things from a different perspective, and to be a part of another, very different, culture.
-Absolutely nothing is permanent in this life, and living in an ever rapidly changing environment has really showed me that truth.
-Not having many (seemingly simple) amenities available has forced me to be immensely grateful for simple things. (such as....)
--Thank you for running water, even though it's not hot, I can't imagine not having access to running water. The water here sometimes shuts off for a few hours or a day, and that always reminds me that there are way too many people in this world who do not have access to something that we so much so take for granted. Next time, think about what is happening around the world when you feel like complaining about power outages, or maybe when your hot water runs out from someone else taking a long time in the shower. Some of us don't have hot water, and even more of us don't have running water at all.
--Thank you for access to so much food. There are people who simply cannot afford to buy food from the store, or don't have transportation to get there, so they need to hunt.
--Thank you for enough financial stability in this mess of a world to be able to eat good food, travel, and even treat myself to something nice every now and then. I don't have much money at all, but it's enough to do the things that I want to do, and frankly, that's all we really need.
- Thank you most importantly for my family and friends, and their good health and happiness. And of course my happiness and health. Sounds cliche, but being so far away from my family and friends has given me a new appreciation. So thanks.
-Thank you to the Universe, or whatever higher power you believe in, for bringing me a very important person in my life. He has been a teacher, a soulmate, and an angel in my life.

Now that I read this all again, I have so much to be thankful for. So much more than is here. I hope more people take the time to appreciate small things, because you never know, in an instant everything could change, or be gone.

Live the way you want, not how others want you to live.

¨Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don´t matter and those who matter don´t mind.¨Dr Suess

They say they are proud and happy for me, but their faces say something very different. They can´t talk about it or genuinely listen to me talk about it because it´s not what they want. They ask me if I´m happy and I say yes, and then they say ¨why?¨. And then I listen to them say how bored and unhappy they are. Ironic huh?
I´m tired of getting the same reactions all the time. No one ever stops to contemplate if THEY are genuinely happy following exactly what the rest of society does. All they do is question ME and ask me why I am living my life the way I have chosen. I´m done justifying.

¨Live without pretending. Love without depending. Listen without defending. Speak without offending.¨Drake

Attachment, Pleasure and Pain

"Pain is not a punishment, pleasure is not a reward." - Pema Chodron

Let's all stop trying to think that when things go wrong, we need to run away. Let's stop thinking we always need to be happy all of the time. Let's be real and say things don't always have to be right or be wrong. We chase after pleasure and run from pain, but what we don't realize in this process is that this is the cause of our suffering. We hold onto the good things and get so attached, want them to last forever, and will do whatever it takes to protect them. When something hurts, something causes us much pain, we run away, avoid it at all costs, or try to cover it up in any way, shape or form. We imagine a perfect world, a paradise, a feeling of euphoria and spend our lives chasing after something that simply does not exist. The media advertises this nonexistent perfect world, this garden of Eden, with pills to make us happy, to make us thinner, or anything at all to make things "better". But the world surely cannot just be as it is. We cannot just live here without buying happiness. Let's all stop trying to adjust, stop trying to make things perfect, and just be here, be present and see what life is like, whether it be good or bad.

Uncomfortableness and Embracing the Truth

After only one week, I was put in my place and as Pema Chodron describes it, life nailed me. I felt uncomfortable, unwanted, lost, uncertain; in short I felt nothing but groundlessness. I expected this, but of course during the moment it was overwhelming and seemingly impossible. The heat, the humidity and the mosquitos got the best of me and revealed a truth that I was hesitant to face. I immediately made up excuses and tried to resist the uncomfortable feelings.

“The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face. When we feel resentment because the room is too hot, we could meet the heat and feel its fieriness and its heaviness. When we feel resentment because the room is too cold, we could meet the cold and feel its iciness and its bite....There is no cure for hot and cold. They will go on forever.”

I know the end of this quote seems incredibly obvious, but there is so much truth in just realizing that we really cannot change what is around us, though we can certainly change our reaction to what is around us. We can move around, run away, cover it up, or even ignore it, but the truth is always there, waiting for you to accept it.

For the first time in my life, I am learning to just be still with whatever comes my way. I always said before that, although happy, I was never satisfied, and I always needed to be busy. Now I am starting to rethink things. I mean, there is some good that goes along with never being satisfied; I always want to challenge myself and test my potentials. Now that I am here, in this moment, I need to be still. Yes, I should challenge myself, always, but I need to find a balance. It's all about balance, huh? Like Pema says, “Well, it starts with being willing to feel what we are going through.”

A New Life

It's amazing how differently you look at the world when you don't have a ticket back "home". I have never experienced travel like this before, because I've always had a time frame, a few days, a few weeks...but never a one way ticket. Although I have been here before, I feel this time that I have new eyes. I see more truth in this world and myself. I am still treated like an outsider of course, but now I feel like I am no longer on the outside looking in. I feel like a wandering puppy, trying out things for the first time, not really sure of where to go or what to do. This uncomfortable feeling is good - it is what I need to make this change in my life. It tests every strength I have and pulls me down just when I think I have things under control. I have never felt so weak and strong at the same time.

I can hardly communicate with the locals, but somehow I get by, which is motivation that I am on the right track. There is a different communication that I do not know even more than the language though, an unwritten rule type communication. I hadn't experienced this before, but now I feel its ever strong presence. It is the rule of another culture. The way I carry myself, the way I talk, what I choose to say, where I gaze my eyes, it's all so foreign to me. This will take longer to learn than the language, I can feel it.

This experience will be such a challenge, and that is the way we learn, right?

Here is my challenge to myself right now: I feel different and uncomfortable, so how do I deal with these feelings? Do I run away and go back home? Or do I try something different, for once, and dive in? Yes, I am scared, yes, I am out of my comfort zone, but I will not just run away.

"What happens with you when you begin to feel uneasy, unsettled, queasy? Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something." - Pema Chodron (When Things Fall Apart)

I am now more than ever noticing the truth to this quote. To be able to have control in situations where you have no ground is amazing, and I am working toward that goal.

Here is one more quote - another goal I am working toward. The concept of karma is complex and I have such a vague understanding.

"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further."

— Pema Chödrön

The past few months in my life have changed me in so many ways and it's like I am always facing something new to throw me off balance. I have effected a lot of people too-in good and bad ways-and that is why I feel so bittersweet all of the time. I am on the right path, but I am watching so many people come and go. This is good for me, it is teaching me impermanence and how to remain unattached. Now on to blame...I suppose I need a new day to ponder about that.

Paradise from new eyes, oh how sweet it is.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or it can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

- David Harkins

I will miss you every single day and smile because of all that you have given me in my life. Your bright spirit will forever live on in my heart. I love you and miss you so much.

The Journey of Compassion

3 years later: This was the beginning of life-altering journey

When I first got this tattoo, I did not fully understand the meaning behind it. It wasn't spur of the moment, but I definitely needed to learn a lot more about it. The reason why I decided to permanently alter my body and my identity - I was attracted to it for reasons that I could not explain. I had researched for months different mantras and different symbols, but I kept going back to this one. I woke up one day and I knew that I had to get this tattooed on me. I went by myself to Berkeley and had a beautiful experience - I had a rush of adrenaline for the rest of the day. (I actually biked to the top of the Berkeley hills...something my knees would normally prevent me from doing!) I had changed my body forever and I had opened up a new chapter in my life. It has been almost 3 years since I got it, and I have grown to understand it with a different mindset. Now, I truly understand WHY I chose to get this mantra. I was attracted to it for a reason - because I am now on a beautiful journey to becoming more compassionate. Tonight I had an epiphany - I am starting to be able to put my thoughts and words into action, truly. I am starting to speak my truth. I have been on this journey for almost 3 years and just now am starting to really put things into place. I have SO much to learn, but I have come a long way. I am starting to feel more compassion for others, but also for myself. This is something that I was not able to do much of before, always beating myself up mentally about how bad I am at something, or how something is my fault. Now, I am able to step back and realize that I am human, and I need to feel compassion for myself. People will try to make me feel bad, they may say it is my fault or my problem, but I know deep down that the people that say those things just haven't learned what I have yet. And when they do, their hearts will open up to me even more. I am grateful for what I have learned, and I am grateful to be giving the experiences to put my words and thoughts into practice. Because uncomfortable moments are true tests.

"Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time." P. Chodron

Gratitude and the love for life

"In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich" Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Gratitude is everything. "Gratitude costs you nothing, but it is worth more than all the riches in the world" - The Power. We go through life expecting things, receiving things, and of course, we give things too, but are we really grateful for everything? I mean, we can say "thank you" for a gift, thank you for a dinner, or thank you for words of advice. But are we grateful for life? How many times a day do you say "thank you" for being as healthy as you are, or thank you for perfect eyesight, or just for being able to wake up to a new day? Sometimes we only really notice something when things go wrong. Like the saying "you never know what you have until it is gone" we take the absolute most precious things in life for granted too often. We are always complaining about the weather, the traffic, a relationship, work, or something. It is always something. We make life sound so terrible, but things are only as bad as we think they are. Reality is based on our own perception, our own interpretation. That being said, our happiness is in our own hands. If we think that we have a hard life, or bad luck, than we do. If we think we have a good life or good luck, than we do. It's all subject to interpretation. That's the beauty of it all! We make life SO much more difficult than it has to be. We accept just being okay with life. It doesn't have to be just okay. It can be as perfect as we want it to be. Sometimes we make up excuses like "it's different for me" or "you don't understand because you are not in my shoes" or whatever. But as long as you continue to make those excuses, you will continue to live just an "okay" life. You need to change your mindset before anything wonderful can happen. People look for happiness in things, in other people, in their relationships, but the thing is, you can only find happiness in yourself. If you are not happy, no one or nothing will make you happy.
One good way to remind yourself that life is not all that bad is to be grateful. "-Be grateful for everything you have received in your life (for your past) - Be grateful for everything you are receiving in your life (your present) - be grateful for what you want in your life, as though you have received it (your future)" - The Power
"To use the power of gratitude, practice it. The more you feel gratitude, the more love you give; and the more love you give, the more you receive." - The Power
When you have a bad moment, remind yourself of the good things in your life. It's not difficult. Don't use the excuse "it's easier said than done" because with that mindset, nothing will be accomplished. You have to put your thoughts and words into practice. DO IT.


I am grateful for my life.
I am grateful for the love that I have for everything and everyone around me.
I am eternally grateful for the love that I receive from everyone and everything around me.
I am grateful for my perfect eyesight.
I am grateful for....
my health and my body
for my family that supports me
for my house that provides shelter and warmth on these cold winter days
for my wisdom
for my desire to never stop learning
for my past experiences...
and my current ones
for my future experiences
I am grateful for the sun that shines everyday to provide us with life
for the beauty of the night sky
for the feeling of loving, and being loved in return
for having a job
I am grateful to have the money that I worked so hard for
for having a healthy family and healthy friends
for my education
I am grateful to live on such an incredible planet
I am grateful for diversity
for all of the difficult moments in my life that helped me grow so much stronger
for the people in my life that constantly challenge me emotionally and intellectually
for being able to hear
for all the lovely people that I have met and will meet
for moments that make me uncomfortable
for an open mind
for an open heart
for all of the opportunities that I have been given and will be given
for being able to walk
I am grateful for the fresh air that the trees provide
I am grateful for life
Thank you for my life.

A Simple Reminder

The simplest things in life are the best things of all.

My simple bits of happiness (not necessarily in this order):

my kitty cat

the pureness of nature

thunderstorms

being passionate

compassion

being in the forest

torrential downpours

sunny mornings

rainy mornings on the weekends

observing

waking up early without any obligations for the day

the smell of coffee when I wake up

the sound of the rain forest

receiving a smile from a complete stranger for no reason

free spirits

mango

the ocean

the sound of waves crashing into the sand

the smell of redwoods

long hikes

soul mates

the night sky

my tattoos

discovering an amazing new song, and then listening to it on repeat until I discover another song

languages

becoming bilingual

trying new foods

lilies

love

culture

good hugs

setting goals

accomplishing goals

my bed

the smell of lemongrass

challenging my mind

Eat, Pray, Love

hearing someone from Italy speak Italian

maps

new experiences

chocolate

sending and receiving positive vibes

deep intellectual conversations

coconut

the color green (in between pear green and olive green, especially)

smiling for no specific reason

....the small things are the most important. We often forget about the importance of simplicity when we get caught up in our monotonous routines of work, school, family, etc. Remind yourself from time to time what makes you most happy. Then ask yourself, "when is the last time I experienced this?" If you can't remember, maybe it's time to take a break and LIVE.