One Year Later.

Here are some truths about a place that most people tell me is "easy life", not arguing that theory, I've just got some input :)

The truths about Paradise:

-The power shuts off for a few seconds or minutes every day, and we lose power for several hours about once or twice a week. Usually on the weekends when I’m home and need it most.

-Nothing, absolutely nothing, is consistent or reliable here. Nothing!

-The mangos and pineapples here are sensational 

-Mold grows EVERYWHERE on EVERYTHING

-Fruits and vegetables have a third of a shelf life compared to the States, because of mold.

-It is absolutely normal here to see dogs getting it on in the middle of the streets, especially in big groups.

-The dogs here are equivalent to raccoons in some places in the states, abundant and considered pests, always going through the trash.

-The floor in our house is never clean for more than 2 hours, and in the evening, just for 20 minutes.

-The bottoms of my feet are never clean for more than 2 minutes

-In just a day and a half, a yellow banana with no spots is completely covered in spots and becomes a little soggy.

-An “electrician” is just someone that you know that has a good reputation in the town for wiring and connecting things without blowing other things up.

-Some people here “deal” with puppies and kittens by putting them in a trash bag and throwing them away, alive.

-When you need to dry your clothes, you play a game with the weather, and the rain always wins.

-Robberies are as common as car accidents in the States (relatively)

-A (small) bottle of shampoo costs $8.

-A can of Mosquito repellent is just shy of costing $10.

-One Cosmopolitan magazine costs $8.

-What is considered to be a very affordable electronic in the states is at least double the price here.

-Returning something that doesn’t work or that you don’t want does not exist here. 

                          -An umbrella does almost nothing here, when it rains, it pours

-The quality of items here is very very.....er...bad.

-The mornings are just a competition for birds to sing the loudest and most beautiful song.

-The evenings are just a competition for the frogs and toads to croak the loudest.

-The term “bumpy road” here is an understatement

-Everyone has time for everyone else here

-The less you have and hold on to, the happier you will be

In one year, I have accomplished pretty much exactly what I said I was going to. (Look at my first blog post, I have proof!) 

I moved to Costa Rica, and I am still here.

-I have seen a pretty impressive amount of animals, but still no Jaguar.

-I was robbed, and as a consequence, robbed of trust and confidence.

-I survived hiking 50km in the sweltering heat and humidity of the jungle, with the worst stomach virus ever. (The first time in my life where I came to terms with the fact that I might die)

-I think I have cried more in this one year than in the rest of my life. 

-I rescued a dog off the streets, and then after only 2 months, it ran away from the robbery.

-Then I rescued two cats, and they are still here.

-I have visited Corcovado National Park more than 50 times

-I finally saw my beautiful male Resplendent Quetzal, full tail and all.

-I fell under the belief that I was bad luck, after a series of unfortunate events

-I lost my positive vibes and completely lost my balance

-Things fell apart (like the book) over and over again, and I had no outlet, no escape, no comfortable place to go, and I survived.

-I have been stung by a Jellyfish, burned by a caterpillar, burned by a beetle, bit by a mouse, bit by Army Ants (and many other species of ants..) and I have had more mosquito bites than most people have in their lifetimes

-I LEARNED SPANISH!

-I got a job in a office, in Costa Rica!

-I now work as a pre-school teacher for 14 tico children, and after 3 and a half months with me, they can understand and speak a beautiful amount of English.

-I learned to cook (and Costa Rican typical food on top of that!)

-I have not consumed so many sugary drinks since my childhood, thanks to the climate!

-I have made a (small) space for myself in the (small) town of Puerto Jimenez

-I have learned the hard lessons of a small town culture

-I have seen many many people come and go, which makes me congratulate my own strength, for sticking with something so difficult for this long. 

-I have seen the most breathtaking sunsets and sunrises, in a place that could never compare to anywhere else on Earth. -I have met people from all over the world, just by staying in this little town. 

-I witnessed my first street fight

-I lived without electricity (except for a connection for the refrigerator, one lightbulb, and one outlet for everything else) for 10 months (not quite like Africa or anything, but hey, a big difference compared to the U.S.)

-I didn’t have a refrigerator for the first 2 months living here, and once again I am without one

-I didn’t have hot water for 10 months

-I have survived the rainy season! (and never in my life have I seen that much rain!)

-I have learned to live without A LOT of luxuries, that most people don’t even consider to be luxuries.

-I once saw two anteaters fighting in a (very tall) fig tree, and one fell down, got up, and waddled away, like nothing happened. 

-I have visited the states and looked at it from an outsiders perspective (wow!)

-I never realized JUST how consumed the US is with technology until I spent 8 months away from it in a much less developed place. 

-One time we didn’t have running water for 4 days, and we had no warning.

-I survived without music for 5 months

-My cellphone has the game “snake” on it, that’s how “advanced” it is...ha ha...

-I don’t have internet at home, and I rarely use it in the town

-I have been to Panama 3 times, and by that I mean I have gone shopping three times

-My lesser worn clothes, sheets, pillows, and jewelry always smell like mold. No matter what I do.

-I don’t have a washer or dryer

-When I first came here, I had two new pairs of sandals, never worn, and now both of them, one year later, are completely destroyed. 

-My cats make me very happy

-I have only had a bicycle for about 4 months, and I have gotten almost 10 flat tires

-There is no door for our bathroom, and the walls only go up half way

-The inside of our house has seen about 10 species of birds, one of which spent the whole night with us, safe from the rain (Clay-Colored Robin, the national bird). It has also seen around 6 Jesus Christ Lizards, countless Ameiva Lizards (usually dead from my cats), a Gladiator Frog, several Glass Frogs, a Red-eyed Tree Frog, and several other small species. To add to the list, we have also had visits from other cats, several mice (that my cats always end up killing) about a trillion mosquitos, as well as tons of moths, enormous Wandering Spiders, Cicadas, grasshoppers, praying mantis, dragon flies, butterflies, termites, ants, and many others. Our house is a jungle!

-I have held a baby hummingbird in my hands 

-I have caught several Caimans

-I have touched a Tapir

-I was nearly attacked by White-lipped Peccaries, twice, and my boyfriend had to stay on a tree for more than 30 minutes until they ran away

-I was only about 10 feet away from an enormous crocodile

-I got underneath the body of a huge Boa Constrictor, just inches away, to take the best photo ever

-My blood is a FEAST for mosquitoes, no matter what I eat or don’t eat, what clothes I wear, or how much mosquito repellent I put on, and yes, it has deet, a lot of deet.

-I have become completely used to insects crawling on me, or in my food, jumping at me, and finding dead things in my house (from my cats)

-My English grammar is now horrible because I have been around Spanish and very incorrect English for so long

-I have succeeded in making my own dreams come true.

It's the Holiday Season Once Again...

Oh blog how I have missed you! As of lately, writing on my blog just can't happen anymore since I no longer have my own computer.
So it's my fifth month here in Costa Rica, and it's almost Thanksgiving in the US. Although I enjoy this holiday more than any other holiday, I am here, not there, and I need to find a different way to celebrate my thanks. These past 5 months have taught me more than all the years of my schooling put together, and I think there needs to be something said about that. Instead of thinking about all of the things that I miss or all of the things that I don't like, I am just going to be thankful for all that I have, for all that I enjoy.
So here is what 5 months living in Costa Rica has brought me:
-Although I am not yet fluent, I can really understand Spanish so much more now. I am thankful for that. Learning another language is a gift.
-Although I miss my cat Lucky, I have two new beautiful kittens, Stella Bella and Sole. I saved at least two of the many thousands of animals on the streets here in Costa Rica. At least now there are two more animals with a home, a warm and dry place to sleep, good food to eat, and love to be given to them. A small contribution to a large problem.
-I miss my circle of family and friends, but now I am slowly creating a new one. Though small, it has the potential to become much greater.
-I have seen so many beautiful animals and luscious forest, I am thankful to be a witness of the beauty of nature. Maybe someday it will all be gone, but for now, I enjoy every bit of it with gratitude.
-I am seriously grateful for mango to be back in season. I thought I wasn't going to make it through the tough time of no mangoes.
- I am also seriously grateful for the invention of Tabasco Sauce. It just makes everything better.
- I am thankful for the opportunity to live in another country, to experience things from a different perspective, and to be a part of another, very different, culture.
-Absolutely nothing is permanent in this life, and living in an ever rapidly changing environment has really showed me that truth.
-Not having many (seemingly simple) amenities available has forced me to be immensely grateful for simple things. (such as....)
--Thank you for running water, even though it's not hot, I can't imagine not having access to running water. The water here sometimes shuts off for a few hours or a day, and that always reminds me that there are way too many people in this world who do not have access to something that we so much so take for granted. Next time, think about what is happening around the world when you feel like complaining about power outages, or maybe when your hot water runs out from someone else taking a long time in the shower. Some of us don't have hot water, and even more of us don't have running water at all.
--Thank you for access to so much food. There are people who simply cannot afford to buy food from the store, or don't have transportation to get there, so they need to hunt.
--Thank you for enough financial stability in this mess of a world to be able to eat good food, travel, and even treat myself to something nice every now and then. I don't have much money at all, but it's enough to do the things that I want to do, and frankly, that's all we really need.
- Thank you most importantly for my family and friends, and their good health and happiness. And of course my happiness and health. Sounds cliche, but being so far away from my family and friends has given me a new appreciation. So thanks.
-Thank you to the Universe, or whatever higher power you believe in, for bringing me a very important person in my life. He has been a teacher, a soulmate, and an angel in my life.

Now that I read this all again, I have so much to be thankful for. So much more than is here. I hope more people take the time to appreciate small things, because you never know, in an instant everything could change, or be gone.

Live the way you want, not how others want you to live.

¨Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don´t matter and those who matter don´t mind.¨Dr Suess

They say they are proud and happy for me, but their faces say something very different. They can´t talk about it or genuinely listen to me talk about it because it´s not what they want. They ask me if I´m happy and I say yes, and then they say ¨why?¨. And then I listen to them say how bored and unhappy they are. Ironic huh?
I´m tired of getting the same reactions all the time. No one ever stops to contemplate if THEY are genuinely happy following exactly what the rest of society does. All they do is question ME and ask me why I am living my life the way I have chosen. I´m done justifying.

¨Live without pretending. Love without depending. Listen without defending. Speak without offending.¨Drake

Attachment, Pleasure and Pain

"Pain is not a punishment, pleasure is not a reward." - Pema Chodron

Let's all stop trying to think that when things go wrong, we need to run away. Let's stop thinking we always need to be happy all of the time. Let's be real and say things don't always have to be right or be wrong. We chase after pleasure and run from pain, but what we don't realize in this process is that this is the cause of our suffering. We hold onto the good things and get so attached, want them to last forever, and will do whatever it takes to protect them. When something hurts, something causes us much pain, we run away, avoid it at all costs, or try to cover it up in any way, shape or form. We imagine a perfect world, a paradise, a feeling of euphoria and spend our lives chasing after something that simply does not exist. The media advertises this nonexistent perfect world, this garden of Eden, with pills to make us happy, to make us thinner, or anything at all to make things "better". But the world surely cannot just be as it is. We cannot just live here without buying happiness. Let's all stop trying to adjust, stop trying to make things perfect, and just be here, be present and see what life is like, whether it be good or bad.

Uncomfortableness and Embracing the Truth

After only one week, I was put in my place and as Pema Chodron describes it, life nailed me. I felt uncomfortable, unwanted, lost, uncertain; in short I felt nothing but groundlessness. I expected this, but of course during the moment it was overwhelming and seemingly impossible. The heat, the humidity and the mosquitos got the best of me and revealed a truth that I was hesitant to face. I immediately made up excuses and tried to resist the uncomfortable feelings.

“The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face. When we feel resentment because the room is too hot, we could meet the heat and feel its fieriness and its heaviness. When we feel resentment because the room is too cold, we could meet the cold and feel its iciness and its bite....There is no cure for hot and cold. They will go on forever.”

I know the end of this quote seems incredibly obvious, but there is so much truth in just realizing that we really cannot change what is around us, though we can certainly change our reaction to what is around us. We can move around, run away, cover it up, or even ignore it, but the truth is always there, waiting for you to accept it.

For the first time in my life, I am learning to just be still with whatever comes my way. I always said before that, although happy, I was never satisfied, and I always needed to be busy. Now I am starting to rethink things. I mean, there is some good that goes along with never being satisfied; I always want to challenge myself and test my potentials. Now that I am here, in this moment, I need to be still. Yes, I should challenge myself, always, but I need to find a balance. It's all about balance, huh? Like Pema says, “Well, it starts with being willing to feel what we are going through.”

A New Life

It's amazing how differently you look at the world when you don't have a ticket back "home". I have never experienced travel like this before, because I've always had a time frame, a few days, a few weeks...but never a one way ticket. Although I have been here before, I feel this time that I have new eyes. I see more truth in this world and myself. I am still treated like an outsider of course, but now I feel like I am no longer on the outside looking in. I feel like a wandering puppy, trying out things for the first time, not really sure of where to go or what to do. This uncomfortable feeling is good - it is what I need to make this change in my life. It tests every strength I have and pulls me down just when I think I have things under control. I have never felt so weak and strong at the same time.

I can hardly communicate with the locals, but somehow I get by, which is motivation that I am on the right track. There is a different communication that I do not know even more than the language though, an unwritten rule type communication. I hadn't experienced this before, but now I feel its ever strong presence. It is the rule of another culture. The way I carry myself, the way I talk, what I choose to say, where I gaze my eyes, it's all so foreign to me. This will take longer to learn than the language, I can feel it.

This experience will be such a challenge, and that is the way we learn, right?

Here is my challenge to myself right now: I feel different and uncomfortable, so how do I deal with these feelings? Do I run away and go back home? Or do I try something different, for once, and dive in? Yes, I am scared, yes, I am out of my comfort zone, but I will not just run away.

"What happens with you when you begin to feel uneasy, unsettled, queasy? Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something." - Pema Chodron (When Things Fall Apart)

I am now more than ever noticing the truth to this quote. To be able to have control in situations where you have no ground is amazing, and I am working toward that goal.

Here is one more quote - another goal I am working toward. The concept of karma is complex and I have such a vague understanding.

"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further."

— Pema Chödrön

The past few months in my life have changed me in so many ways and it's like I am always facing something new to throw me off balance. I have effected a lot of people too-in good and bad ways-and that is why I feel so bittersweet all of the time. I am on the right path, but I am watching so many people come and go. This is good for me, it is teaching me impermanence and how to remain unattached. Now on to blame...I suppose I need a new day to ponder about that.

Paradise from new eyes, oh how sweet it is.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or it can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

- David Harkins

I will miss you every single day and smile because of all that you have given me in my life. Your bright spirit will forever live on in my heart. I love you and miss you so much.