It's amazing how differently you look at the world when you don't have a ticket back "home". I have never experienced travel like this before, because I've always had a time frame, a few days, a few weeks...but never a one way ticket. Although I have been here before, I feel this time that I have new eyes. I see more truth in this world and myself. I am still treated like an outsider of course, but now I feel like I am no longer on the outside looking in. I feel like a wandering puppy, trying out things for the first time, not really sure of where to go or what to do. This uncomfortable feeling is good - it is what I need to make this change in my life. It tests every strength I have and pulls me down just when I think I have things under control. I have never felt so weak and strong at the same time.
I can hardly communicate with the locals, but somehow I get by, which is motivation that I am on the right track. There is a different communication that I do not know even more than the language though, an unwritten rule type communication. I hadn't experienced this before, but now I feel its ever strong presence. It is the rule of another culture. The way I carry myself, the way I talk, what I choose to say, where I gaze my eyes, it's all so foreign to me. This will take longer to learn than the language, I can feel it.
This experience will be such a challenge, and that is the way we learn, right?
Here is my challenge to myself right now: I feel different and uncomfortable, so how do I deal with these feelings? Do I run away and go back home? Or do I try something different, for once, and dive in? Yes, I am scared, yes, I am out of my comfort zone, but I will not just run away.
"What happens with you when you begin to feel uneasy, unsettled, queasy? Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something." - Pema Chodron (When Things Fall Apart)
I am now more than ever noticing the truth to this quote. To be able to have control in situations where you have no ground is amazing, and I am working toward that goal.
Here is one more quote - another goal I am working toward. The concept of karma is complex and I have such a vague understanding.
"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further."
— Pema Chödrön
The past few months in my life have changed me in so many ways and it's like I am always facing something new to throw me off balance. I have effected a lot of people too-in good and bad ways-and that is why I feel so bittersweet all of the time. I am on the right path, but I am watching so many people come and go. This is good for me, it is teaching me impermanence and how to remain unattached. Now on to blame...I suppose I need a new day to ponder about that.
Paradise from new eyes, oh how sweet it is.
